There are times I write a lot about a little...and times I write a little about a lot. I think it's because I have all of these things I want to say and share and in some way it is like my own way of making my mark in this world.
And pre this blog page and some time ago was another blog page and just some simple sharing of a day in my life and the silliness that happened then.
Then one day you wake up and the silliness is gone for a time....and you feel as if you didn't wake up at all.
So I wrote about that. My therapy. My sharing. The good as well as the bad....and there was both in dealing with loss.
For a time it felt like old shoes....that writing. Comfortable.
You know the pair....you have them tucked under the bed and they are your go-to pair. From first thing in the morning, they are the ones you slip on to walk down the hall to let the dog out...or to fetch the paper. The backs are broken on them and the laces are tattered, yet you can't get rid of them. You try, sure...every time you bring home a new box of shoes you pull those old ones out from under the bed....and you find another reason not to toss them.
And as I healed, my writing changed and I was ready to get back to me... A different me, yes of course....but a me that wanted to share her life again.
The "shoes" are still there...just pushed further back and not needed anymore. When I started writing blogs now, I started with sharing one of my favorite past times.....Bath and Body Works Insiders...
and while that is great and fun...there is so much more to me that I wanted to let out. So I started one blog....with many categories.
My tree of life...
Like the branches of a tree reaching out and upwards...so are the things that make me share on any given day.
When I went to log into the Insiders blog a bit ago I found my "a finch in the willow" blog writings and clicked on the first blog I saw. I don't visit these writings often as it is only a branch on my tree of life...not all of me...and not a part that I relish seeing. But here it was nonetheless so I read it....
I am grateful for my new shoes.
sometimes the wind reminds me ~ Entry for May 05, 2009
The cold wind and dampness permeate everything it touches. I am no exception. Days of rain have greened up my lawn and dampened my spirits and I long for the sun to warm my core. That, and I need to get over 200 plants, planted.
It is still raining now as I type, the kind of rain that you love to lull you to sleep as it pitter-patters against the shingles on the roof. I hear it tapping the gutters outside my windows and it soothes me. Sometimes.
My headache continues and my left eye aches terribly deep into the socket....more than likely because of my crying yesterday. And it wasn't a long cry, just an emotional one. Emotional but cleansing.
I didn't notice that on the multiply site the second part of the video never downloaded so for the year I have had Ambers video posted, only part of it was showing. Upon seeing that I downloaded the second part...and ended up watching it.
I guess her life will always be difficult to view....even though it is only a collage of photos. I am not sure if I can ever bear seeing the recordings of her that sit quietly on my closet shelf. I notice them weekly when I clean the closet and put laundry away, and they haunt me. Sitting in that green camera bag, waiting for that moment I am strong enough to revisit my past...with her and my mom in better times.
Tomorrow marks the 13th year of my mom's passing. And her death is not one that destroys me as Angels does. Her death caused me to find strength in myself at a deeper level to be able to take over whatever my siblings would need so they could move on. And at times I feel I failed them when I see them stagnant in their lives. Could I have done something more to make their lives better? Was it up to me?
I am blessed I have all I do. Blessed to have had the support of Angeline and of hubby through the years and to have gotten through all of the challenges....without being alone.
And there were those times, times we all face when we wonder what could have been different if we chose different paths....and yes after Angel was killed I blamed myself a bit for even having those thoughts...as though the cosmos may have heard them and this was their way of showing me. It's part of the grieving process...a crappy part...but a reality nonetheless.
And it's funny, with every loss of a family member I find you become stronger to deal with it....yet all along you are closer to being alone...that thing we all fear the most. Is that how the grand scheme of things works?
Angel would joke that she would need to get married quickly because so much of the family was getting older and passing....and now, she's gone.
After all of this, I should be strong enough to lift the house...
So often the rain generates this sense of sadness, contemplation, and self-doubt from inside of me yet when its over, it seems to have brightened everything it's touched...
And sometimes the wind reminds me...that I am stronger than I knew.